“Madcap” Mary Mendoza’s take on the 2013 Oscars

Seth MacFarlane was a dismal failure as host­. The show desperately needed an MC with a sense of humor who could work off script, seizing rare moments of levity and responding to them with witty quips. Someone innately funny like David Niven, Hugh Grant, Dudley Moore, Robin Williams or Billy Crystal.

JUST MY OPINION

Andy Griffith not mentioned In Memoriam! For shame! Shocking! Think they also omitted Harry Carey, Jr., who was a wonderful character actor. I’ve said it before–we do NOT need to see the list of dead cinematographers, soundmen and other obscure behind-the-scenes people. No one cares! Save it for the technical awards they hold in the basement in January.

Clooney needs to shave. He looks like a damn troll.

I think what ultimately lost Tommy Lee Jones his second Oscar was the fright wig he wore in “Lincoln.

Affleck is too big for his britches; was very hyper at the end, however his wife Jennifer Garner, who looked beautiful in her plum-colored gown, seemed quite rational.

Dame Shirley Bassey scored! She was elegant, “in voice” and outstanding–the highlight of the show. Streisand, although her hair and make-up were fantastic, was okay but the voice isn’t as strong as it was.

Jennifer Hudson, on the other hand, was channeling Whitney but I couldn’t understand a word she belted out. So I muted her. Better that way!

Hated the tasteless Lincoln joke; loved Daniel Day Lewis. Like many Brits he’s naturally witty. Too bad Meryl pulled a Pia Lindstrom and he had to make his speech smeared with lipstick.

THE MERCY ME CATEGORY

Kristen Stewart, who recently cut her foot, was obviously on heavy-duty pain pills because she was completely out of it­; I feared she’d topple over. And her hair looked like an un-made bed. Not chic, just stupid.

Helena Bonham Carter–no taste, absolutely no taste in clothes or hair

Dear Amy Adams. What were you thinking wearing a gown with a 100-foot train made out of bath scrubbies?

With her money you’d THINK Melissa McCarthy could afford to join Weight Watchers and find a better looking gown than the army surplus job she wore last night. Too ghastly for words.

I’m in the minority here, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence’s Dior Haute Couture gown overwhelmed her and was too old for her.

Michelle Obama—worst gimmick ever. Although it gave her a chance to dress up, the bit was awkward and inappropriate. And all that phony blathering about how much Hollywood contributes to our culture. Oi. Did she actually see “Flight?” Drugs, booze and sex? Oh, dear, oh dear.

LEFT AT THE ALTAR AGAIN

Poor Joaquin. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. I hope he gets his day in the sun.

HIT THE ROAD JACK

Although the Oscars 2013 didn’t feature as many adelpated old timers as previous telecasts, undoubtedly in an effort to appeal to young viewers, it was still painfully obvious that it’s time for one oldster– I’m speaking of Mr. Nicholson specifically, to stay home. Having his mic zonk out while swiveling his head like a bobble-doll didn’t help either. Or was he trying to be cute?

BEST DRESSED

Dior to die for: Charlize Theron was the most gorgeous, among many gorgeous women, at last night’s Oscars in a stunning Dior gown.

Jane Fonda, 75, demonstrated once again her impeccable taste, style, and magnificent figure, and looked fabulous in a bold canary yellow Versace gown with the perfect shoes and handbag.

Loved Anne Hathaway’s Tiffany diamond circlet, and the color of her gown. Not going to comment on her nipples.

Some critics trashed Salma Hayek’s choice of gown, but I thought she looked sensational (as always) in an Alexander McQueen creation with gold rhinestones at the throat.

Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock also looked ravishing.

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